Inauguration Day
By Yousef Allouzi
Listen to Yousef reading his story:
Go outside and play. Ignore that the Red River is flooding from torrential rains. Stand on the bridge and take photos of how much it has risen, the bridges will hold. But if they seem a bit unstable, pacify the Earth with Bible verses and remind it that it has been given to us as a gift. Throw your plastic over the side of its bank and let the water whisk it away.
Go outside and play. Stand in the forests and take in the smoke and smog. Ignore the giant land movers as they crush the trees beneath mechanical wheels. Watch as the free market reshapes the forest into something with added value. Regale the Earth with passages from Adam Smith’s “The Invisible Hand”. Remind the animals that this is ordained as manifest destiny but offer to move the animals into cookie cutter homes built beneath the landfill for market value.
Go outside and play. Tell El Nino and La Nina that I said hello and invite them over for garbage and crude oil. Let the ocean currents and wind patterns wash pollution over your body. Sit on the beach and watch as the beer cans wash ashore in Galveston. Remind the ocean that it must keep to strict political boundaries, so we know exactly what we own and administer. Tax those parts of the ocean that cross the borders and, if the borders are in any way violated, build a wall to keep them separate.
Stay inside and turn up the AC. It has become too hot to stay outside for long but the Earth does go through cycles of heating and cooling. Remind scientists that if there was evidence for global warming, we would have found it by now. If you have become sun burned, use the constitution as salve. If it was important, the founding fathers would have accounted for it.
Stay inside and fire up the generator. Remind the local government that it is your right to always have electricity, even during large, uncontrolled forest fires. Besides, if the government had 26,000 fire trucks ready to respond this fire would be out already. Develop road rage because the burned down gas station is closed and then cuss out the two workers at the fast-food restaurant who still came to work. You said extra ketchup. After filling your belly with microplastics and heart disease, wipe your ass with wet wipes soaked by the tears of bleeding-heart liberals.
Stay inside and wrap yourself in an American flag. Blow off your fingers while popping fireworks in your living room for the Fourth of July. Vote for a demagogue. Drink only American beer and eat only meat, much like the farmers of yesterday, when the world was simpler and freedoms were limited to real Americans. Storm the capital. Demand mass deportations. When someone hands you a flyer questioning the government, laugh at them. They clearly have no clue what propaganda is or how they have been influenced by it. Hurry home in time to watch the 47th inauguration of an autocrat masquerading as a president.
“This is the best country on Earth.”
You say to yourself, as Kid Rock begins to play the national anthem on a kazoo, in the middle of another hurricane.
Yousef Allouzi is an author and data analyst who grew up in Texas and Arkansas but currently lives in the Pacific Northwest. He holds a BS in Economics and a Master of Public Policy from Oregon State University. You can follow him on Facebook and Bluesky @americanbedouin.bsky.social. His work has appeared in Pidgeonholes, Atticus Review, Blue Cactus Press, Scintilla Magazine, and others.